Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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