Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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