I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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