went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
