gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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