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That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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