Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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