Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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