So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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