Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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