I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
