i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
