Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
