I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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