i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I have feelings that need drinking.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize