I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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