please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
