you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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