OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
