Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
