i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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