nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
