if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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