i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
