Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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