My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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