just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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