she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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