To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
