OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
