I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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