I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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