dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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