she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
