remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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