i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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