Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
MIDGETS
????
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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