How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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