Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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