Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
