I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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