My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
