Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
