i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Please don't give away my fajitas
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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