its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
