I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
