I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
