New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
