Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
