my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How external is "for external use only"?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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