Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
