You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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