did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
