Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
