she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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