I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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