Small penises have feelings too.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
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