I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
