i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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